How do you catch a fish? With attractive bait, a strong hook and a long fishing line. The same applies to people that someone wants to have power or control over. Here’s an example on how subtly and smoothly it can be executed.
Annie* never thought it could happen to her. She was well-educated, successful and respected by her co-workers and neighbours. She was charmed by his attention and his initial wanting to please her with his gallant behaviour and flattery. Some of her friends were dubious about her new love’s intentions – perhaps they noticed things about him that she was too blindly in love to see.
Little by little, his true colours began to peek through even though she was unaware. She had already been groomed to believe he adored her and wanted to be her knight in shining armour – her protector and saviour. And that is what laid the foundation for his ability to control her and every aspect of her life. When you love someone, you want to please them, even to the detriment of your own well-being. And the fear of losing them enables them to ramp up the controlling behaviour. There is also the shame of allowing oneself to be controlled and powerless.
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He always had to know where she was going, who she was talking to or seeing and why. Once he felt comfortable with the degree of control he had, his underlying motives began to seep out. The hook had been set and all he had to do was reel it in. She was helplessly entwined in his clever behaviour that would escalate to raised voices and expressions of violence, including threats.
Does this description sound familiar? Do you know someone who is dealing with this kind of situation? We must understand that domestic violence is a process that takes time. And for the person described here, it became an endless pit of domination, fear and hopelessness interspersed with apologies and declarations of love. What saved her in the end was seeing a counselor who enabled her to regain her strength, her independence and her courage to be who she was – a strong, intelligent, independent woman who would not be controlled or powerless.
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Violence is a means of control and acquiring power. Of course, we all think of violence as a physical force but it is more than that — much more. There are many kinds of violence – emotional, psychological and social – and they all erode and threaten a person’s well-being and safety. More often than not, none of these are done in public but rather in private – hidden from the view of family, friends and co-workers. This is the most prevalent type of domestic violence, that often escalates to physical violence.
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Just as domestic violence is a process, so is healing. And there are many resources for people who are seemingly stuck in these circumstances — resources that will help them emerge victorious and escape the tentacles of domestic violence. The first step is recognizing the situation, followed by seeking help.
For more information on the many resources and help available please contact RCMP Victim Services at 604-869-7770.
*Annie is a name chosen to illustrate and humanize this story, it does not refer to a specific person.
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